Spacewalk

The cat had wondered if he should tell Valmua about his time spent with @Tiberius. It was easy to tell himself that it was just a kiss but it wasn't true. What started as an attempt to cheer up his fried, ended up as an unspoken proclamation of some sort of love, and admiration that he had for that man.

Every step closer to Northfall caused a pit in his stomach to deepen. Wondering what he was going to say to Valmua, caused a normally graceful and heavy posture, to become tense as his paws carried him closer and closer.

Approaching the den that he and Valmua had spent time in, his guilt only grew remembering many nights spend in their wounded state together. The fear of loosing the fire woman built a knot in his throat. Would it all crumble because of a kiss?

Rallying himself, he swallowed back his fears for the moment, tail partially tucked and twitching near to the ground.

"Val?"

@Valmúa

---

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 Her shoulder had never really been quite right ever since the boar attacks. Although Valmúa had been spotted frequenting the Tundra more than usual, there had been a change to her general attitude since everything had happened. It seemed clear to her that her brothers were not coming back, for they had never tried to locate her. Either they were off fucking around on some mountain and staring at the stars still, or they were dead. Either one and she lost out.
 She had never thought that by leaving the Hrafsvaktin that she would end up entirely severed from her family and roots. They were gone, Ragnar and Sindri were not happy with her, and her body's insistence on not entirely healing had left her practically useless. She knew well that a war with the dragons would not end well, for the north would come for them, just as they had come for her and Kuhn.
 The poppy lay on the floor of the cave that Ragnar had been kind enough to offer them. She was slumped onto her side, staring at a few dried bones, wondering where the bones of her siblings might now lie.
 It was not his voice, but the energy from Kuhn that she noticed first. Generally his shadow was a welcome blanket across her, but today felt off. Something was wrong. A twang in her gut like she had eaten something gross put her on edge, and she sighed. Lifting her front in mild alarm, she readied herself for a battle that would not come.
 “What is wrong?” Translation: who had fucked with her Prince, and why?
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Laden in her voice was an aggressive concern, as if she might hop to he feet and join him in whatever battle that he may have. The energy only built but it had nowhere to go, there would be not battle today.

There wasn't a mighty beast or a great battle before the woman. Only a scared cat.

He didn't want to wait to tell the woman, both the guilt and need to tell someone about what happen nagging at his gut. From the mouth of the cave where he stood Valmua looked like she was towering down over him.

Then, the first words bubbled up: "So... I was with Tib...", he answered with a tremor. "And... I uh..."

Dusting the ground with a paw, the tiger avoided eye contact. "I kissed him..."

Better not to avoid it. Go straight in.
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 She was ready. Whatever dragon needed to be slain, she was there. Whatever he needed from her, she would be his Princessa in a time of need, shoulder or not.
 But he hesitated, and that made her sense that this was not something she would be able to fight with her teeth, which drew out further toxic gunk feelings in her stomach. Oddly, the feeling of heat in her ears drew forth as though she were angry, or at least her body was already prepared to be. She eyed him, slowly rising to all fours in an awkward wiggle.
 She listened to the admission, but she didn't really understand it. She made a face, like she was disgusted, but then she was confused. “...Kissed?” What did that even mean?
 Slowly, Valmúa's eyes narrowed, and she thought about it, but each "it" was a different scenario. A pile of scenes ran through in her head. One of them involved Kuhn licking the inside of @Tiberius's mouth, which was both absurd and hilarious.
 This last one made her snort, which led to a very, very strange and contorted laughter that spoke of violent discomfort and confusion. “Pffff—what?” Obviously, she needed more.
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When she stood, the large cat's body tensed, as if he may have to fend off an attack at any moment.  Easing back into his stance when it didn't come, his head spun struggling to find the words.  

It would have been easier to see the woman's temper instantly flare up at his admission.  In a way it was a relief to further elaborate, but at the same time, he didn't want to choke though more difficult words or work through any of these unexpected feelings.  

He was tempted to take a step back; but, he didn't .

"I...  It seems odd, but we ended up grooming each other... ",  elaborated the cat, his ears rotating backwards, tail slightly tucked.   Kuhn continued, obviously shaken, "We - Have been good friends but... I think it went farther than it should."
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 Still rather weirded out and almost annoyed at what he was presenting to her, she listened anyway. He looked uncomfortable. The more uncomfortable he seemed, the more she stiffened, even to the point where the fur along the base of her tail and neck began to stand up. It was as though she was greeting something scary, or with aggression.

I think it went farther than it should.

 Though Kuhn didn't take a step back, Valmúa took so many steps forward that she could taste his breath. He was taller than she was, but not by so much that she couldn't handle this moment. His tail was tucked slightly, and that meant the power he normally held over her was gone. Dust. She drew this dust into her with a steep breath in like a hockey player huffing smelling salts.
 “So what now? You are coming to leave my ass and join them? I know you want to. I know you do not own this land. We lost the Everfrost. I am taking you nowhere. Clearly, this was what you were after.” She attacked, relentlessly. The metallic flare of her eyes lit with fury.
 She had expected him to have lain with a female tiger at some point. She had prepared herself for that. This was different.
 “I hope he FUCKING tasted good.” She tried to storm away, but she ended up turning around in a cave and then didn't know what to do.
 Everything she was afraid of had bubbled up, and she hadn't meant it to and didn't know how to take it back or mitigate it, so she just kept her back turned, and shook.
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Feeling the precise moment when it all turned, his senses locked to the woman's rising fur.  Maintaining only enough eye contact to see the flash of her ivory fangs in his face, the cat held his ground.  The flurry of accusations that came from the woman battered his senses as her breath shot into his face.  

It took a moment to process, sending the striped beast through a flurry of emotions.  First it was anger.  Out of pure reaction his timid posture stiffened up, baring his teeth. In the back of his mind, he could imagine himself lashing out.  Though he wouldn't raise a paw against her. 

Breaking his viscous gaze for a moment, a sadness washed over the cat as he looked over the corners of the cave walls. His bared fangs slowly retreating under his lips, as his ears drooped to the side.  Could she really think that of him?  None of that had even crossed his mind.  

Exhaling sharply through his nose, his head snapped back to the woman as his emotions came into balance.  As his posture straightened up, he looked back at the woman with a hint of anger, sadness and guilt. 

He said nothing
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 While Kuhn balanced, she toppled, finding herself stuck in a cruel loop of thoughts she had never bothered to entertain. All of them that at once had seemed ridiculous now entered her mind front and centre. They told her cruelties about herself, mocked and berated, spat upon her existence. It was not jealousy that was ringing through her ears, but fear.
 These moments lasted an uncomfortable amount of time before she realized that he had not left her. Her back was still turned to him, and though she had not cried, she shook instead. Her legs and elbows quaked.
 So, she asked what she thought was the obvious. Her voice was abnormally coloured in the grotesque arrangement of an animal, cornered. “Why are you not leaving?” she asked, though her lip trembled, and she knew the question ridiculous as she said it. “This is not worth your time.”
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It was a chore to hold the silence, there was so much he wanted to say.  The tiger wanted to fight, yell, beg, scream, roar.  Suppressing all the competing voices in his mind he gave the woman her space.  Silence was an odd thing, it was always so nagging, begging to be filled.  Luckily, the striped beast was able find space in the silence, he hadn't come here to fight.  It wasn't about winning.  

He could see her shaking now, much like he had been when he came here.  Exhaling, his breath was ragged,  "You will always be worth my time..."

Turning himself around, he turned to go.  Sniffing back a running nose, he patted his eye with the back of his wrist, drying up an unseen tear.
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 His words cut through to her core. She hated that he had such power over her, yet in this moment it temporarily sent away the bad spirits about her mind that were causing such distress. If she was always worth his time then, then why... why did he turn away.
 He turned away as she turned back to him and laid eyes on his beautiful form once more. She did not understand what had happened between her Prince and Tiberius. She assumed far more had happened than the reality, but it was the confusion and unraveling of her own terror that was brought to light.
 She was useless to him. She had been unable to truly defend him from Shiroshika and Vanderfell.
 She could not have his children, which she presumed he wanted after their strange conversation many weeks ago.
 They had lost the Everfrost. Once, she had hoped to claim it properly, to prevent all others from trespassing it. Her very thought of this had doomed it.
 Valmúa thought momentarily of Tiberius, who more than anything represented a stability that she would never have. Either by nature of his maleness or just his superiority over her, he had won out. She could never be him, and Kuhn had kept him as a friend before ever bothering with her.
 The poppy wobbled her way toward Kuhn again, but this time her posture was laden with defeat. She had fought her own battle against herself, and lost. She was lost to the oblivion, but..
 “Do not leave me, please,” she begged. It meant more than just that moment. She was asking him not to leave her entirely. Even though she probably would have on the other side. “Please.”
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Walking out of the cave's mouth, the big cat's ear rotated around when it caught the woman following him out.

 'don't leave me'

Coming to a stop, the cat's steps slowed until he stood, looking out at the dark forest, and the stars above.  Partly, he didn't want to show his face to her now, she could see would see his weakness after all.  
 

"I won't", he rumbled half looking back to the woman, holding a stoic expression, his tight ochre fur was stained with once hidden tears.  It seemed odd that she was like this, as if she didn't really know her worth to him.  As if she wasn't the wolf that was the first to see his as a being worth anything other than a beast.  As if she hadn't come to the Everfrost that night to share a meal with him, the wolf that stood with him against her own kind, nursed him, comforted him, and taught him to love.     

"I won't", he repeated softer this time. Opening his striped side to her, he meant it, she had nothing to fear, there was only one Valmua, one Princessa.  

 

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 The words silenced the poison of her mind on itself. The creature that strangled her from within pulled back. On a second time, it shrivelled to ash while Valmúa stood in dumbfounded adoration of her Prince.'
 As quickly as she had turned on him, it was as though he knew it would pass. It was as though he knew every piece of her, even the bits that were booby-trapped and that she didn't know herself. There were paths undiscovered, joys untold, desires unresolved, all of which he had always seemed to know before she did.
 The opening he left at his side gave her a moment of hesitation. Part of her felt like he "won" if she went to him, but it did not matter. She found herself melting into his side as though she had been created simply to be there, pressed against him like some strange parasite. Valmúa was not mad at him, but she remained afraid, not knowing what this all meant, not knowing why she was not jealous, not understanding what had happened nor why.
 These discomforts did not melt away, but instead of trying to attack them, she started to feel them, and tears ran down her cheeks in silence.
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When the woman's pelt melted into his side, the cat sat himself down. Sitting in the mouth of the cave, he shared in the woman's warmth, providing a buttress for her to lean on.

Certainly he didn't feel like he had won. Feeling her warmth and scent, a pang of guilt ran through him again, he didn't deserve it, not until, he could explain. He owed there that.

Tiberius meant alot to him, and it was true there where feelings there. But he was a father and Valmua meant the world to him. She needed to know that.

The moment lingered, as the cat listened to the sound of the crickets, and watched the wind dance though the trees. "It's ok to be mad at me...", , he said softly tilting his nose toward her.
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 Though she melted into him, the poppy did not feel "okay" by any means. Something was wrong, and it was unrelated to what Kuhn had brought to her. Or, maybe it was. Fear had started to overtake her life, and the result was a consistent and terrifying pang that poisoned every breath she took in the waking world.
 He told her it was okay to be mad, but, she didn't understand what had happened. Even though she felt weird and uncomfortable about it, "mad" wasn't what she was feeling.
 Valmúa did something odd then, mostly to get his attention. She mouthed the bridge of his nose. It wasn't something affectionate. It meant that she was present, and had heard what he said. Then, she lifted her lip. She showed her teeth to him, raising her rump as it was against his side and side eyeing him as though he had presented a great canine insult.
 “I would rather fight you,” she said, her tail swaying to and fro. Oddly, only her rump was raised in a clear air of defiance for whatever script she had been writing before. To onlookers she was in a half-bow, but her eyes held a danger and air of mischief to them.
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Leaning into the woman's gesture, he didn't shy away when her fangs pressed into the bridge of his nose, only releasing a slow exhale and then a soft purr. Whatever this expression was he would accept it. He could tell that his princesa was experiencing a mix of emotions, and he felt responsible for seeing his hardened princesa break like this.

The best he could do was give her his closeness, wrapping his tail around the woman's feet.

Tracking the woman's face as her teeth revealed themselves, the tiger sat in silence raising a brow. When her hind raised into the air, and her tail swayed, the cat pushed his striped midsection back into her, obviously drawn to her magnetic challenge.

More than likely, her desire to fight would end up with the pair panting in satisfaction and laden with each others scent , and for awhile, their problems for awhile forgotten. There was still an ache inside the cat, he knew he wouldn't be able to properly enjoy her if he gave into her challenge now. The tiger could already imagine looking up at the sky, empty, guilty.

Sliding a paw gently across her chest the striped beast responded quietly, "I need you to know, that I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry..."

"I... I wouldn't choose anyone over you. Valmua... I love you."
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 Valmúa's desire to release energy was hardly ignored. Her tiger — her tiger — pressed back against her. She could feel the purr-like noises and vibrations from him that she struggled to make herself. He had always hit back when she did this. They had resolved conflicts before with physicality, but today was different.
 It wasn't as though they had any sort of exclusivity agreement. She had failed to tell him about half-joking to Ragnar that they should bang while she was off galavanting with him. Granted, she had been in heat, but that was true at least once a year. Valmúa had thought about him with others before. Female tigers had been around, and she had suspected he hadn't exactly been "untouched" prior to meeting her. They had never bothered to talk about it. Perhaps part of her had been waiting for something like this to happen.
 She started to feel a bit unnerved that more than "a kiss" (whatever that meant) had happened, but the more she thought about it, the less it really bothered her.
 What bothered her was the thought of him abandoning her in Northfall.
 What bothered her was that someone else would make him happier.
 The poppy knew this must be true. There were thousands. Tens of thousands. Whatever numbers went up to numbers of women and men she was now realizing that could bring him the joy she could never touch. Yet she did not think the same was true for her. She had rarely seen the same man more than once, had never sought their company for much more than bumping uglies, and did not think of herself as "single" when she wasn't paired with anyone. She just was.
 Kuhn slid a paw across her, and her nose twitched. She was prepared for whatever weird battle she was waging with him, but she had not been prepared for what he said.

---

 Once, when the poppy was still a girl in Storm Haven, she got into an argument, then a fight, with a boy. Afterward, she would throw playful insults at him whenever she passed him. Sometimes he would follow her around like a puppy — this was rather fitting, since they were puppies at the time.
 The day he declared his love for her, she laughed. Loudly. Openly. Sulking, the boy kept trying, but every time he attempted a gesture, Valmúa would find ways to stamp it out.
 She had long rejected marriage. She had never believed in love in its true romantic sense. It all seemed like bullshit.

---

There he was.
There he was.

 Her first reaction forced her body away from him, shooting backward like he had struck her, hard. Her heart was slow to catch up, skipping several important beats as her mind threatened to just give up and have a stroke from lack of oxygen. When the pounding in her chest started again, it was so fast and harsh that she might as well have been in the heat of battle.
 She just stood there, eyes glassy with something between pain and need while her chest rose and fell, tail dropped like it had died.
 A lot of things ran through her head. All of them sounded stupid, but her mind wasn't exactly operating in peak condition. She thought about accusing him of lying, or demanding why he would say that. She didn't really understand what he meant by saying it. They were supposed to be special words. Had he said the same thing to Tiberius before whatever the fuck they did? She settled on something that made sense to her.
 She shook her head. “Do not to try to make me feel better with that. I will be fine if you leave to go finish the job,” she answered coldly. She knew it wasn't what she was supposed to say. She was supposed to shut the fuck up and accept what he said was true, but she couldn't. She wouldn't. It reduced her to something she thought she wasn't: dependant.
 Whatever fear she had been feeling before simply amplified. She knew very well that her own mind and words were self-destructing what she wanted. How do I get out of this?? A tiny voice in her head begged to get out of the snare she was winding.
 She couldn't look at him anymore, so she looked away. Everything in her screamed to go back to him, but her legs were wrought with stone, and iron weighted her paws. Every hair along the back of her spine stood up, for there was nowhere for the fear to go.
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Earlier, he had almost wanted the woman to be mad at him. Not feeling like he deserved her warmth, it was a tearing feeling to risk the chance at her touch.

When the cold mountain air came between them, and the woman tore herself away from his striped coat it was painful, but he expected it. Nonetheless the cats paw raised slightly as if he wanted to reach out to the retreating woman.

He thought he had been ready for her anger, though not then, and not in this way. "Va -" He croaked, completely at a loss for words. His paw fell to the ground. She had been his first and only, and here, he had held his heart out to her.

The words spoken from the fire woman, cut into the great cat, his face wrinkling in anguish and anger. A slight hiss escaped him, angry and hurt. He felt as though he might have deserved the reaction. But, after finally putting his love into words? That's when she chose to say that. It was right then

In the maelstrom of emotions, he was vulnerable, and she tore into him. Typically the cat would have been attuned to the physical reaction of the woman but, in the moment, he could only worry about himself.

Both his mind and his body recoiled from the wolf, getting to his feet and stepping back. He wouldn't look at her now, if she saw his face and tear stained fur, she would only think he was weak. He couldn't be weak.

Sidestepping away, looking from the corner of his eye, his own hackles raised. Gritting his teeth towards the ground, coiled and defensive, he took another step to leave.
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 Valmúa stood there, her face and mind paralyzed with a type of fear she did not recognize. Why did she say that? Why did you say that? What the fuck are you doing?
 As though she could physically feel the damage she had just caused, her throat clenched and her chest drained of warmth as she sensed his anguish. She could not look at him, and he could not look at her. She had created a stalemate, certain that hurting him would make her feel somehow better even though she did not care about his possibly-more-than-friendship with Tiberius.
 A deep, painful longing to be near him again came over her. She begged internally for him to step toward and smack her across the face, to tell her to stop being ridiculous, to tell a joke that only she would find funny, to snap her the fuck out of whatever this was.
 But they were not mind-readers, and she did not know how to ask for what she wanted, and she did not think she would have deserved it anyway.

---

 You don't deserve him. He is better off without you. Look at what you just did to him. No other person would be that fucking cruel. You are unloveable. He made a mistake. He doesn't love you, because you are incapable of receiving it, and he will realize it now. You just saved him. Good job. Now crawl into a hole and fucking die.

---

 It spun, and spun, until the paint was flying off in all directions and splattered their cavern of refuge with suffering. The place suddenly felt dismal, drained of the affection that had made it a home.
 When she heard him step back, she rushed forward with her head low and her eyes on the ground. And, instead of doing what she really wanted to do, she misidentified her own intentions. Valmúa shoved past him, as though in a trance, refusing to let him have the proverbial last word. She moved beyond the cave's entrance to storm off, and the moment she had touched him the tears streamed uncontrollably down her face.
 She would head toward the Vale. Maybe she would get lucky and die on the way there.
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It was easier to keep his eyes averted from her, if he looked at the fire woman, he didn't know what he would do or feel. The cat's slate eyes only focused themselves forlornly at a stone at the floor below. There wasn't much left to feel, just numbness. Sitting on his haunches not even his tail moved, laying flat on the floor.

The color seemed to drain from the world. The cat was only left wondering if he should not have said that. Was his declaration of love weakness. Had he really thrown it all away because of his mistake with Tiberius.

From the corner of his eye, he could sense her acceleration. He did half expect her to come running to him, though he remained like a statue, grey and devoid of all color.

Shoving past him, his large frame rocked slightly from her momentum. A hot flash of anger traveled through his bones, but his body did not respond, his senses far to muted to react now.

He only paid short glance at her as she retreated northward. Once she was out of view, the big cat collapsed forward. Pressing the arch of his nose against the ground, he released a long shuddering exhale.

It was Utter defeat.

He knew that perhaps he could have caught her as she ran by, and tried to woo her. Maybe she wanted to see him furious. He could have simply pinned her skull to the ground and exhausted her body. But, it didn't seem to matter, he couldn't muster it. It would be so empty.

He would just have to let her go.
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