Where memories call to me, Backward dreams, Or phantom reality

The title is lyrics from here, would definitely recommend a listen!: The Garden of Everything

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Dawn whispers a distant goodbye to her daughter, leaving the child with her two new sons. Twins, they were - both bathed in white with brown dashed across their noses. There isn't pain anymore, not really. Just a muted sense of wrong that bleeds through her silver coat and into the ground below her fur. She doesn't smell the blood anymore, and she also doesn't smell the disgusting scent of birth. It's nice on her nose, but one distinct thing she does feel and smell is snow, and the cold. Didn't winter just end? The thought stops her breathing for a moment, and Dawn opens green eyes to a wintery landscape. It's beautiful, but it isn't where she was before. It isn't her den where she gave birth to the twins, and it definitely wasn't the spot coated in blood in which she said goodbye to Sigrid. She stands all while scraping at the ground with a paw.

The woman wanted more time to talk to the girl. In all truth, Dawn knew she didn't raise her daughter as well as she could have. She wasn't good with kids, and most likely never would be. Her pack taught her how to raise children, and it was a grueling and bloody process. Even Dawn didn't give Sigrid that kind of treatment. Their spars were never that dangerous. Still, not showing enough love to a child would do things to them, and Dawn wouldn't be there to right her mistakes. Instead, she was.... Somewhere. It was more soothing than it ought to be, but there was no one here that would be out for her. No one she had bad blood with, and it was relaxing.

She missed her kids.

The twins would be in good paws, good enough that Dawn could trust Sigrid to keep her brothers alive. With help of the pack nearby... Everything would be fine. Dawn would tell herself that - if she thought it then there was nothing there to think about. If she kept thinking everything would be fine, then nothing bad could happen, right? Instead of worrying about that right now, Dawn gazes at the area around her. It is beautiful, she thinks again. Dawn feels grateful that her pelt is naturally fluffy, and the biting cold doesn't reach her skin. Her breath comes in puffs of white in front of her nose, and Dawn begins to walk. If this is where her afterlife was, Dawn was contempt with that. Even more so without her family there to torment her.

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Back to the not-so-distant snow-covered woods. Ira couldn't be sure what brought her this time, her paws carried her all the same as the grass beneath her feet froze and turned until she crossed the Everfrost. It was amazing how fast the change occurred despite the short range from here to her home. Needless to say, her previous trip had been cut short and curiosity still gripped her mind as to what lingered just beyond.

The wind whispered, pulling her deeper into the forest's reaches until movement caught her eye. It was slight, almost unnoticeable at first as the figure she spied blended oh so well with her surroundings. The roan queen paused, watching as she moved to her paws, and ultimately began to walk. Had she just awoken? From the countless stories she had heard before, Ira was beginning to believe that awaking was the only way to arrive in these lands, though the cause was still unknown.

She debated raising her voice to seek the other's attention, but it became abundantly clear soon enough that she was wandering her way. A simple chuff was given instead once the woman was close, soft enough to be considered friendly but without the warm familiarity that might be used by a friend. She appeared uninjured, standing tall much like herself though the other woman's bulk compared more to Orlaith's build. “Greetings.” The simple acknowledgment was accompanied by a bow of her head out of courtesy. She may be a queen, but this land was not hers to rule.

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As more snow blanketed the already-covered ground, Dawn wondered if this entire area was stuck like this, or if she somehow ended up somewhere so far away from where she was before that the seasons were different. Except, if she was right, and this is where wolves ended up after they died then maybe something decided snow would be the best for her. And well... Whatever it was, wasn't entirely wrong. She was born in the snowy mountains and was built to live in that kind of climate. Dawn was glad to see she didn't soften up even living next to the lake with the traitors, and traveling through the forests with the pack her daughter brought the two of them to. The only things Dawn felt regret for was leaving her kids behind, and not murdering those fools who hurt her oldest before she died. It was too late now, and if anything high and mighty thought about it, Dawn hoped whoever launched her here didn't even think about those idiots.

She didn't know if anyone else was out here, but Dawn bet if she walked long enough she would find out. And find out she did - a stranger, one that Dawn never even scented before, let out a greeting. The woman wasn't even slightly intimidated by the stranger, and the stranger didn't seem to be intimidated either. It was a lot different than where she was before. Pack borders, near-fighting, working out ways to keep everyone alive because another fucking famine had come and Dawn didn't want any of it. She didn't have to worry about that here, at least not as far as she could tell now.

"Hello." Dawn returned the head-bow.

It was more polite than she was used to, but if the stranger was going to be polite, Dawn wasn't going to be aggressive. It also was nice that it didn't seem like the stranger was trying to pull tricks with her words just yet. Dawn wouldn't be doing that either, unless their talk shifted in that direction.

"Could I have your name?" A short pause. "I am Dawn Celest." She offered up her last name too, but it didn't seem like the girl would know her from her first tyrant pack anyway.

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There seemed to be no surprise as Ira made her presence known, instead of the other simply returned her greeting, a short pause, then asked for her name while giving her own. Her intentions had not been to startle and past wolves she crossed had been, so she was silently grateful for the smooth transition to her introduction. “Of course, you may call me Ira.” Dawn Celest. What an interesting name, though she had never met another from her family. Wherever she originated from must be far, though it was all the more reason to remember her name.

“You looked disoriented. Did you just awake?” The roan woman silently wondered if she might deny her situation. She too had been cautious upon awakening here, the circumstances were unexplainable and seemed almost improbable...except for the fact that everyone else came to the same conclusion. There was no mistake nor false memories, every one of them had ended up here unexpectedly. She no longer lingered on why. All that mattered now was understanding the laws of this land.

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Dawn wasn't surprised because she wasn't worried about getting attacked - or maybe she was too dazed to feel anything. Either way the woman was confident in her own skills enough when put in a 1 v 1 that she didn't feel the need to be worried normally. Not here, either. Not even as her body was upset that she was up already, and that she was upset herself because her children were gone. She knowingly abandoned all of them through her death. Only, Dawn could not control that part of her fate. Maybe it was Karma - it would make sense. None of that mattered anymore, not until she could get to a place alone and really think about it.

"Pleasure to meet you." She greeted - for the second time.

Had this been literally anyone else the situation might have changed a bit more. But as it turns out, she didn't immediately run into someone she was actually worried about - on top of that she ran into someone who was polite. Dawn liked returning respect when she saw it. She saw it here, and maybe smelled the scent of a group, so it was all the more reason to get on Ira's good favors. The question did have her surprised though, and her expression betrayed it this time. She would need to remember to stop doing that later. Still, there was no reason to lie. Now would be a good time to gather information and see what she had to do next.

"I did. Is that common around here?"

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There was no denying the truth with how evident the other's surprise had been. Ira thought nothing of it though, already well versed with the reactions of those who had just awoken. “Aye, I've yet to meet someone born of these lands. Even the creatures seem to appear, or at least some.” Her thoughts drifted to the mother bear that found herself within Vanderfell's claim. It was a dangerous thing to be placed somewhere unfamiliar so suddenly.

Ira noted the importance to patrol even the inner reaches of their territory. Borders only did so much until the gods decided otherwise.

“I searched for my own answers when I arrived. It seems if you wish to return home you best hope your paws can carry you, otherwise, it seems best to claim your new life.” Easier said than done for some. Ira knew she had nothing to return to, no one her heart longed for, except her sister perhaps but they had been separated for some time even before waking here.

Once more her eyes quickly glanced over the woman. She seemed to be in fine health, strong enough. “If I may, what life do you seek?” If she was half the fighter, or perhaps defender that she looked to be, she may be of use yet.

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Even the creatures appeared randomly? Where did they come from? What kind of animals were out here? Would there be any she'd never seen before? Dawn almost wanted to go looking, but exploring this snowy area first would be better. At least for now, plus she had access to some information with Ira. Especially knowing that the woman'd been here longer than herself based on context clues. Dawn should get all of her questions she thinks someone could answer before moving on, if she did. She rather liked the snow here.

On the topic of returning home, Dawn wished it were possible. Her kids were back there, alive, well. It wasn't possible - it wasn't going to be possible. One simply couldn't die and come back to life. Never in all of her years of living had she seen anyone do such a thing. They always died and stayed dead. If her own killings had anything to say about it, or the ones she'd witnessed in her very original home that was long gone now. Or maybe they went somewhere else? Was this an illusion? Either way, Dawn knew better than to fight it.

"I don't think it's possible for me to go back." She responded, honestly. "I died to get here."

Wherever here is.

Somehow, Dawn thought, that the knowledge of her death wasn't as surprising as it ought to be. If wolves and other creatures were randomly appearing, it was safe to say that some might have been dealt the same cards as herself. Died, then brought back to a land they never wanted to be in, no matter how beautiful the place was. Though some may want to stay - some may want to get here without death. Wolves had so many different reasons to run away. Dawn had her own, even, but she didn't do it without knowing what she was getting into first. With this, she didn't have a choice.

"I'm not sure." She replied, honestly. A large difference than she would have said before. I'm a murderer, I obviously would claim that kind of ranking again. Besides, out here it sounds like it might be somewhat helpful to be someone who knows what they're doing. "Why do you ask?"

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She had not wanted to admit to the other in hopes that she may not crush her spirit, but she too did not see a feasibly way back to where they once came. Even if they traveled away, how long could they go, and would it be any closer to home, or would it just further the sentence? However, it was not that which caught her attention. Dawn claimed to have passed to enter this world. “You breathe and bleed, do you not?” Ira knew already she did. Her memories may be foggy but not once had she considered death. This was not Valhöll nor did she believe this land to be Fólkvangr. She had no reason to believe that Odin or Freyja would deny her the right.

If she had died, then so had her companions, or Hydra and her many family members. That did not seem likely, but how could she deny the death of another? Perhaps it was not Valhöll, but another step towards his great cavern. A new land beyond the great fields where they might still live, a life unfinished. “I can not speak to your past, nor how you arrived here but crossed with death or not you live now. What you choose to do with your new breath is your decision.”

Much like the speech she had given Quicksilver, Dawn was now left with an option, even with her arrival being involuntary. “I lead a pack in the mountains. We come from different walks, but now we share the same path. You may start over, become the wolf you wish to be, and live again. So long as you provide for us, we shall provide for you.”

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Dawn knew how to pick her battles, and trying to travel to a place that well enough could not exist in this plane wasn't something she was willing to do or try. For all she knew, these lands could be the only things here and Dawn could find herself falling off the face of... Whatever this was called. It likely wasn't possible, but snow in spring? When it was warm in other areas? This wasn't even on a mountain, it shouldn't be cold. Either all the seasons are mucked up, she traveled somewhere so far the seasons switched, or this place was just weird. She thought it was the last one. No one just came back to life like that. Dawn wouldn't have wanted to come back to life in this place, if she were given a choice.

"Breathing and bleeding doesn't matter when you've already bled out to the point your heart stops." She grunted back in reply.

It had been a slow death - not worth it, in the end. Even if it gave life to Gideon and Cirrus, Dawn would have gone without bringing them to life if it meant she left Sigrid behind. She did leave Sigrid, her oldest, to fend for herself in the world. The kid wasn't ready. It was true - her daughter wasn't even old enough to have children or make her own choices. She didn't know any life skills and only relied on her form for fighting. Dawn knew it was her fault, for teaching Sigrid like that. Life skills would only come from experience, but Dawn wished she was there to show Sigrid that experience. She wouldn't have died for a long time - without fighting, or without birthing those kids - if she were there. Of course, nothing Dawn did guaranteed staying alive. She was a fighter, she was the one that got put in the middle of wars to keep the pack, or family, safe. There was a high chance to die there already.

If Dawn died to get here, surely someone else did too? Not this woman, she didn't seem to think it was a possibility. Dawn wasn't sure she wanted to discuss that particular part of her life with Ira anyway. Raised her kid the wrong way, died giving life to two more. Surely Dawn would have raised them the exact same as she did Sigrid if she was still out there - but surely they were in the care of the sanctuary now? Dawn really did hope Sigrid took the two of them from the wolf that would be nursing. Then again, she had no idea if the kids were alive or not. The sanctuary could easily have left them to starve, or Sigrid could have refused their help. Ira's words were right, though. It was her choice to do what she wanted with her newfound life. Even if Dawn didn't feel any younger.

I need to stop looking on the past. I can't go back now. Dawn told herself in her head. It didn't work. Not that she'd broken down at all. Her emotions felt muddled.

She almost refused right when Ira brought up the pack - so many she'd been in either failed or didn't need respecting. You can have respectful wolves in a pack, but when the pack becomes something no one wants to respect or enable, you fail. No one will join a pack of wolves who do not have a purpose. Of course, if there were more out here, Dawn thought they might have had a purpose. At least to figure out what was going on. Still, her thoughts were the same, Ira gave no answers and no purpose. Just an offer.

"What is your pack's purpose?" She found herself asking, now. Dawn was not going to have another pack falling apart while she was in it. "How many members do you have?"

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sorry for the wait!!! promptly died after covid shots and finals

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The woman grunted a protest, though Ira thought little of it. As she had said herself, she could not speak to the truth of her words nor how she arrived in these frozen woods, but if she truly had experienced death, or a situation equally grim there were bound to be lingering feelings. This was no paradise to rest for the rest of one's days, just simply...something else. If Dawn wishes to move on, she would need to confront those demons lest she forever find herself trapped in what can no longer be changed.

Ira knew better than to lecture someone she had no right to lecture to though so her thoughts would remain her own for now. Should she accompany her back to the mountain peaks then words for improvement might be brought forth, but that was neither here nor now. The offer was not outright accepted, nor did Ira truly expect it to be. Those who joined a cause or group without a yalm of knowledge as to what they truly signed up for were blind or desperate. It was natural that Dawn would want to know more.

“I think you will find many values amongst us, many of which are typical of a pack. Loyalty, strength, ensure you pull your weight. I understand that not all of those come for free.” Loyalty especially, but that path went both ways. She would not require the utmost loyal respect from her newcomers, just as she would not put all of her trust or respect into someone so new. “However, we are more than that. A new start. Skill is important, many come to prove something to their past, or forge something from the fires that burn from the heart. Those who stay, who are serious, will seek improvement. Because of this, our ranks reflect those who have achieved something great and those who have much yet to learn.” Amongst other things, but delving into the culture from which she grew up was more than a handful for a simple recruitment pitch.

“All of us have awoken here and ever since things have been quiet. Few come near our borders so we have found peace, though because of this our numbers are still small.” Something she still did not like admitting, but if Dawn followed she would find out for herself soon enough. There was no reason to lie, nor was she one to ever really have reason to. If Vanderfell was not a fit for her, then so be it. It saved her trouble down the line should she turn now.

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Dawn was done with blindly accepting offers or following points of curiosity. It got her nowhere, those she did follow disbanded or did things she could not agree with - hurt her child. No one hurt a Celest and got away with it. It would be too late to pay those fuckers back now, so Dawn doesn't think about the way they tore into her daughter's fur months and months ago. She's tired of joining with forming groups, ones that die out before they truly begin, ones that get caught in too much drama to keep going. Blaise had been... Dawn thought it was a good idea to join up with her group when Sigrid brought it up to her. The pack was promising, and her promised higher ranking once the owner died was appealing. Only, the agreement she had for that ranking killed her. What a joke.

Dawn couldn't even blame the Crane that brought the rank up to her. It wasn't his fault her body decided to give up on her for no reason. If anything, Dawn should have seen it coming. Nothing about that winter had been different from the last, except for the famine and the amount of traveling she did after discovering she was pregnant. It shouldn't have been an issue, but it was, and Dawn had nothing to show for it. She couldn't even apologize to her kid anymore, the short moment the two had before her death wasn't enough. Dawn didn't have enough time. She still didn't. The earth below her paws couldn't ever give her enough time.

The description, admittedly, was appealing. Dawn knew how to sift through words to find things she both liked and hated. Out of everything, the pack here sounded pretty normal, nothing strange about it. Still, it didn't seem like they had a purpose for forming, other than to give their members a supposed new start from waking up in the strange place. Wolves would be looking for helpful company in times of confusion, but was this group helpful or was it a lie? With so little members, would they actually attract anyone new? - Ira got Dawn curious, that was enough of an answer for that. Still, Dawn was not diving full force into something she expected to fail.

"Is your pack here, or another location?" It would be disappointing to leave this place - all snow coated without being so high up in the air, but she supposed if she had to... Well it was a thought for after the question was answered. "I suppose I will join you." But do not expect me to stick around if I do not like what i see went unsaid.

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The roan woman nodded turning to look to the nearby mountain peaks, “We claim the mountain tops, shrouded from dangers by low hanging clouds that break way for a breathtaking view.” One of the many perks to their claim even if the route may sometimes be dangerous. “There are some reaches of the claim that are still cold with snow, even in summer heat, but the lower reaches flourish with life and green.”

Ira was pleased to hear that Dawn would accompany her back, even if she did sound hesitant. She did not blame the other for being wary. Who would not, after all, trust the words of that they had just met after awaking in a strange place. It would take time to adjust, but in the meantime she would fill in any other questions their drifter might have as she led them back towards her claim.

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originally lost this post sorry if its a lil sloppy :’^)

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