〔❁〕I know that I ended it,

@Reiko

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 Dawn broke into dust and soon the young cranebird set out on her own time, stomach churning anxiously in knowledge of what was soon to come. She knew Reiko had come back judging by their scent trail -- not in finding the dame herself, but a voluntary return that suprised Izumi upon realizing. A strange mixture of relief and anxiety to know of the snow empress' return, but confusion on why she hadn't shown her face yet.

 'Reiko knew already, didn't she? She didn't want to see me because she hates me now....'

 Yet to truly find out nor confirm, however, she instead found herself nervously sniffing around the mouth of Reiko's den. For any sign of her leader, and to come clean with everything that had come to light as of recently...

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She had kept to herself for the majority of her return. Not wanting her mask to crack and be a cause for alarm, she feigned fatigue and spent most of her days doing what was necessary and then laying down for a rest. It wouldn’t be fair to tell them all of her heartaches, of all her personal demons and paths - her duty was to keep them safe and that along can we to their happiness.

She wasn’t aware that the woman who was sweeping Quicksilver away was her friend. The one who approached and who’s near silent footfalls had caught the Empress’ ear. Twisting to greet the crane, h was none the wiser.

“Ah, Izumi, how are you? My apologies my absence must have concerned you… it was unexpected.”

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 Izuka emerged, and Fujiwara's heart sunk; the farmiliar silken dress of ivory and innocent azure gaze she had not seen in so long. Everything which was eating at the cranebird's soul up until now had been pushed away in this moment and replaced with the relief that she'd been here again -- Izumi almost immediately swept closer towards the empress and sought to rest her chin atop her head.

 In another scenario, where the siamese was virtually ignorant towards it all, she would've been upset with her frost bound friend -- borderline vexed -- as to why she'd just up and leave without a word to her or the rest. Though she acknowledged everything now in placing the puzzle pieces together, and all she could feel in this moment was impending fear.

 Nonetheless, the crane's demeanor remained calm and collected. As it always had.

 "-and I thought something had happened to you as well..." she added quietly.

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How would she react when the news would break? The empress was already a hollow mess, desperately clinging to what was left of herself. A repetition of last year’s heart ache was too heavy to handle, the burden much too large for her small paws and still she tried to carry it. She was duty bound to do so after all.

Izumi spoke, a saddened song that reached to the depths of the empty mother. A soft shark of her head a she mustered up the courage to lie. “I followed a scent that I thought belonged to Haruki. I was wrong…” perhaps this would be a valid enough explanation for her behaviour. A mourning mother - and not a shattered, lonely heart.

Three lovers had come an gone, all blown to the winds of time before she could hold them tightly. And one vile wicked man he refused to call husband even now. She had moved on once, surely he could do so again. “Is all well, Izumi?”

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 She claims to have been searching for her long lost son, Haruki -- and Izu wanted to believe it true. That what Quicksilver had told her was actually a joke and that her freind wasn't the one who he'd turned away just recently, and that this was all just some ridiculous misunderstanding. Izumi wished for her to be a stranger that she could easily disregard without a second thought -- but the her had been Rei. In any way she might've looked at it, Izumi couldn’t see herself in a scenario where she'd end up harboring feelings of hatred towards the fae.

 The cranebird stayed in the embrace for a while, feeling hesitant to move from it or even add words to feed into the statement of her missing son, but the ink well remained silent.

 She moved her chin from her head to face the snow dove this time, blinking in a moment of gut wrenching silence before those lips parted again.

 "No, actually..." honestly is what she'd promised, and honesty is what the Empress shall receive. "That is what I wished to speak to you about tonight...."

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The closeness with Izumi had left her feeling worse than comforted. The memories o how Quicksilver would do the same, how it meant more to him in those moments than it did to her. That stupid ignorance and naivety had brought her so much bliss in the moment and yet so much pain with the memories. How she yearned to start over, to turn back time and right what was wrong.

But had he not found another? Moved on and found happiness with someone else? It was horribly selfish of her to want to strip that away.

Willing herself back in the moment with Izumi, she sought the crane’s gems as she spoke. Still she remained laying down on the ground, too tired to do much else than that. “Please, I am all ears.” she welcomed Izumi’s thoughts with open arms, ready to listen to her thoughts with the belief it would momentarily take her away from her own…

But oh how she was so wrong.

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 In the beat where Reiko remained lied down, Izumi circled a bit to find comfortable footing, before moving to lay beside her. Her gaze, instead of seeking Rei's own, sought out the darkened night sky. Lilacs tracing every shining dot as if trying to make a shape in distracting herself -- it did not ease the stress, but this would do for now.

 "I don't know if I an stupid, or have simply fallen in bad luck," the cranebird began with a heavy sigh "but no matter how I look at it, I can't change the way I feel..I'm..."

 At this point, she was rambling nonsense instead of getting to the point. The Duchess shook her head slowly at realizing this, but Izu just needed more time to figure something out-

 "If I ever said something incredulously selfish, would you ever seek to forgive me?"

 -to know what she'd been preparing herself for.

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Still seeking some kind of comfort, as Izumi laid down next to her - Reiko leaned lightly on the tall frame of the crane. Waiting for her to peak her mind; but nothing could have prepared her for what was to come.

The soft thuds in her chest beat with a slow pained rhythm, one she hoped was hidden from her friend. Enough so that she may speak her mind freely. “Mmhm.” with a reassuring nod and him, she followed izumi’s gaze out into the starlight. Giving the duchess as much time as she needed to find the words she sought.

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 "....okay....okay...."

 Strangely enough, not even the confirmation of Reiko's words were enough to calm her down, and the weight she provided against her side only made the guilt worse. As much as she knew this moment would pain her and leave a brand in the far reaches of her memories...that was enough stalling -- it was time to come to terms with the truth.

 Another moment of silence would follow; the cranebird leaned onto her friend's touch like it was the last she'd ever recive, gazed at the stars like it was the last night Izu would ever come to know, before her violet gaze turned to make contact with Rei's mayan ones. A deep sadness developed in those depths -- there was no hiding things now.

"Quicksilver told me about what happened the other day--" she began. Blinked slowly, and continued,

"--and I'm sorry Reiko...if I had been made aware of his pursuit of you before we'd met again near Vanderfell's claim, I wouldn't have tried growing closer to him like I am today..."

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And like that, the bandaid was torn off. The bliss had faded I to the nothingness she felt before and even the touch of the crane only left what could be explains as a burn. It was uncomfortable, painful, and the snow dressed woman couldn’t help but lean away. Onto the stone cold walls of the den she found herself in. “Ah…” The soft word left crushed in her throat, tightening as fought to get a tip on herself again.

Again, it was all happening again. She would lose a possible lover and a friend to one another. Again.

The floodgates leaked as tears rolled down her cheeks, despite the efforts made to hold them back. Why did it have to be Izumi?

“Izumi… he has already told me he fell for another.” the words tasted bitter on her tongue. “I have already given him my blessings and I will with you too… I hope you both find happiness together.” the word came between uncontrollable sobs, the hitch and pauses left a babbling mess she could only hope was understandable. She fought through the feelings to speak, and yet all she wanted to do no was tell Izumi all would be okay - but she wanted to be left alone now.

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 No,

 No no no no no. What has she done!?

 "No...no Reiko, please--" she choked, sitting up and hastily moving her dark muzzle in between the hard stone Rei leaned against and the snow dove's shoulder -- tears welling from her eyes in regret. The crane had broken a precious glass vase, and she was desperate to glue the shattered pieces back together to make it whole again -- to no avail, but still desperate "I'm sorry! I'm sorry..."

 Izumi did not want to lose Reiko, but torn between two people she held dearly, the crane bird did not know what to do to fix it all. Quicksilver, it seemed, reached out and found Reiko before Izu she could have a chance to, and the only thing Fujiwara had come over here and accomplish is making things worse. Stubbornly, oh so stubbornly, she kept on.

 "What if-!" and she didn't know what was coming out of her mouth, but was willing to say anything that might save what Rei and her had.

"--that happiness included you?"

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Even with Izumi trying to comfort somehow, Reiko simply could not bare to touch anyone at the moment. Everything seemed to be at a loss and all she wanted now was to try and find that inner peace once more. That sanctuary that came with ignorance, the love of all things that she saw without feeling an ounce of regret or jealousy.

This wasn't her, but it had become her somehow. Watching them all couple up while she remained as some kind of support on the sidelines. When would it be her turn?

Then - jut like that. Something snapped. A shattering sound echoed in her head as Izumi spoke a choice set of words. It sent the woman into a spiral, one with emotions she had not felt before. Anger. Furious. “'Included' me?” A new found energy shot her up from her bed, legs wobbly with uncertainty in this emotion, how it poisoned her.

“As I am some pitiful woman to be added out of compassion?” Both anger and sadness rolled down her cheeks, uncontrolled. A vicious torrent of salty streams dribbled down her chin and onto the ground. How could she be so mad at Izumi for just trying? “I have made the difficult decision and picked him, I will not be a part of some harem because he cannot do the same.” She breathed a haggard breath, hitching in her throat as she fought the need to vomit. She felt dizzy, out of control - confused with this spiralling emotion.

“'I will not fight you to love me', is what he told me. I have given him my heart, I have given him space to love you instead - I have nothing left to give.” Please leave, is what she wanted to say before things continued to spiral down and out of her paws.

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 Anger.

 Something she had not yet seen in the snow flower, something she never imagined could exist to see the light of day -- and it was all Izumi's fault. Izumi's fault, for opening her stupid fucking mouth and saying stuff she didn't think through, and now the woman who had once taken her under her wing to nurture the cranebird like one of her own hated her. 

 and it was all.her.fault.

 The eyes that still streamed saltwater shut as she shook her head frantically "No Reiko no, that's not what I meant-" how ridiculous of her to suggest it -- she didn't even know what the silver-white had crossed the tundra to tell Reiko. "If I'd been able to look at someone as a friend once, like I did him, what would stop me from learning to love you as well? I don't want to lose you, I'm-"

 Yet there was nothing that could be done now -- Izumi was being selfish in wishing to salvage what she'd just destroyed. She had no right to ask Rei of what she did not wish to give, especially when Fujiwara didn't even have the relationship experience to know what she'd been talking about.

 "...I'm....sorry....I-I've done enough, I've ruined everything....." I've ruined everything. I've ruined everything. I've ruined everything. The phrase she'd continue to repeat to herself as she turned to saunter and stumble off. A foolish girl the crane was being, and it was best for the foolish wolf to save her foolish words.....

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Of course Izumi would be hurt too. It wasn't what Reiko wanted. She wanted them to go off and live happily ever after. With all the puppies they could possibly get. Grow old together and all that stuff she too had dreamed of since she was a child, since watching her own parents and how much they had loved one another since they were children.

But every time this conversation came up. This conversation that revolved around Quicksilver, and now that dragged Izumi into the middle of it all. Every time it dug a new wound into her being, only a future scar to hide just like the others. The knife twisted and the wound festered with every word, with every day that passed to help its healing only to be ripped open a new.

“And what if you cannot, Izumi?” Frowning, eyes red with sorrow and anger as she questioned the now equally saddened woman. She should shut up, she should usher her away and yet she couldn't help but keep babbling on. “What if there were favouritism that developed? What if there were puppies involved? What then? He has made his choice.” Pausing in her moment of miniature tirade to wipe away the tears with the back of her paw. Sniffling the ooze that leaked form her nose.

Ugh, it was so un-lady like and yet it couldn't be helped.

“I will not let either of us be 'the other woman'. You deserve his whole heart, not half.”

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 Reiko continued on with her words and Izumi paused to listen, allowing the blade of "Not knowing anything." to push further into her already tattered barrier of skin. The cranebird knew she screwed up by saying what she said, she knew that -- and to know that she had stripped away the happiness of a smiling woman to the point of anger made her feel horrible.

 "I don't know, Reiko...." and she continued on, and on for questions she didn't know the answer to, until finally; "私は自分が何をするのかわからないし、何が欲しいのかわからない、大丈夫!?" — I don't fucking know what I'd do and I don't know what I want, okay!? -- the frustration and confusion that had welled up inside her spilled out the cracks of her mask in a fit of rage, and she'd turn to the empress with a cloud of perplexion, anger and sadness -- all pouring out of the sockets of a crinkled face, dampened by tears. Izumi was pissed off. Not at Reiko, not at Quicksilver, but at the entire world -- at the gods themselves -- because all she did was fall for someone, and in the attempt of trying to figure out where her life stood from there, she was being punished for it. Why?

 Why did everything in her life turn to shit when an attempt at finding a sliver of happiness --crumble at the drop of a hat?

 "私はこれまで誰にも恋をしたことがなく、今では誰かの愛を欲しがり、私のひどい友情を失わないようにしようとするこのたわごとの綱引きに巻き込まれています." — I've never been in love with anyone else before and now I'm stuck in this shithole tug of war of wanting someone's love and trying not to lose my goddamn freind. In between would she stop to catch her faltering breath. In processing what had slipped out of her own mouth. Izu was sick of trying to murder herself in an attempt to keep any and all signs of emotion locked away and cemented beneath concrete floors. It was a waste of time in trying to get to the point.

 "私の意図は、物事をさらに混乱させるためにここに来ることではありませんでした。それは、このすべての後で、あなたがまだ私と何かをしたいのかどうかを知ることでした。 だからあなたは何を知っていますか？ 私やQuicksilverに関係するもので地獄の燃えるような穴に." — My intention was not coming here to fuck things up even more, it was to know if you'd even still want anything to do with me after all of this. So you know what? To the fiery pits of hell with anything involving me or Quicksilver. whatever circus of a mess that had been created between the trio and their confused feelings -- it was not the priority of her mind when she came to this tundra, seeking the comforting gaze of a friend that had been missing.

 Her breathing slowed, her face softened into that of vulnerable pain, and she searched the blue-eyed woman's face for an answer to what had really been bugging her. This entire time.

 "The only thing I wanted to know was....if you'll ever stop to look at me as your friend ever again..."

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The dove didn't know what to do. She wasn't wise enough to know what to do in a situation such as this, how to make things better without somehow making them worse along the way. The thing only she knew how to do was back out, to leave them be - and that didn't seem to be working either. No matter what they were always hurting, and there was nothing she could do to remedy it.

Izumi ripped, spewing foul language in their mother tongue that made Reiko's ears fall back. Her emotions were pure and it was difficult This whole situation was difficult, and impossible to navigate around. “愛は簡単ではありません” — Love isn't easy She replied softly. After all, she had been through more heartaches in her short life already than she possibly should have.

“Of course you are still my friend.” Even with her previous outburst, it didn't mean she didn't think any less of Izumi. She had been there from the beginning, stuck around through the whole journey to find Hotaru and help establish Shiroshika. “I will miss you.” She could barely speak anymore. So tired, the shattered pieces of her laying on the ground around them - Reiko felt like someone else while still within her own skin. “It is unlikely that Quicksilver will come here to be with you... he hates me, I am certain of it. So you will leave to be with him.” Even with her previous words, she didn't want Izumi to stop going after the young man. It wasn't what she wanted after all, to separate them. It's why she stepped back, was it not?

So to her, regardless of it all - she was losing Izumi after she had lost Quicksilver. No longer would she be around regularly to assist, to be a daily friend, but instead a long distance one. One that would have other issues on her mind than to help around with Shiroshika.

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 Their freindship was meant to last -- Reiko told her -- but the bittersweet reality of knowing "she would miss her" made the statement mean nothing to her. There was no point in being freinds with someone you'd rarely get to see, so the question of whether or not they would still be freinds after this was up to Izumi after all. Of course, how else could she be able to face her freind when the man she loved was the on who'd broken her heart in the first place.

 "That is for me to decide, Reiko. As my own woman," she answered firmly, now finally turning away from her snow bound freind. She was tired of feeling talked down to, and feeling like decisions were always being made for her. It felt no different from when she still lived under the rule of her parents, but now she had the opportunity to make her own choice. "--and if I ever return to you, day after the crack of dawn, you will know of my decision." To whether she'd stay, or whether she'd go.

 To whether she'd decide to live with Quicksilver in Vanderfell, or whether she'd stay in Shiroshika.

-exit-

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And again she had done something wrong... She could hear it in Izumi’s voice and all she could do was watch and remain quiet as the crane walked away. Things always seemed to go wrong and it was all her fault, every time she tried to fix things or make it easier on others just seemed to always make it worse.

Sleep wouldn't come easy after this, but she would try despite the wetness in her eyes and cheeks. Just to lay there and watch the stars they were both gazing at not too long ago before things devolved.

Reiko hoped this wasn't the end of both friendships, but it certainly seemed like it was coming to an abrupt end.

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