〔❁〕Washing Machine Heart

@Reiko

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  The days following the battle in the Everfrost felt like a blur.
  Things moved and changed too quickly for her to get comfortable with -- for one she was pretty sure @Kuhn hated her guts now, and after doing something to gravely dent the trust they'd formed with each other, the crane could not blame him; their freindship was ruined because of her. Now their home in Tsukiishi has been abandoned due to the danger of staying there, and all of Shiroshika's refugees now gather in Vanderfell's mountains.
  Izumi was no fan of crowed spaces as it made her irritable and quick to annoy, and having to house with two packs at a time only worsened that. What's more was the presence of @Quicksilver, and the last thing Izumi wished to do was run into him at all -- ecspecially not with Reiko's presence. She was not gullible enough to believe that ties between the dove and druid had severed after all those months ago, and the crane was not going to be reminded of her failure at love -- on top of her current failure at being a good friend.
  The dame sat neae the pack's boarders that day to take a moment and gather all her thoughts at once, as solitude seemed to be the only way Izumi knew how to keep her heart still right now. The soft drizzle of rainfall that dampened the cranebird's coat was cold against skin, something that would've felt uncomfortable on any other day.
  But within her solitude, it almost felt like a comforting hug from the sky when no one else was around to receive it from.

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With the days fading into weeks since the event, the true weight of what had occurred did not lift but felt heavier than ever. Though she felt safer here with Ira and Vanderfell sharing their borders, sharing the trouble brought on by Kuhn and Valmua, it didn't feel much easier to carry.

Rain drizzled from the skies, masking any of her own tears that may be streaming from her face as she wandered through Vanderfell's mountains checking in on members and how they were fairing during the healing process. The Empress and her kind were suited for snow more than rain and so the heaviness of the moisture locking into her coat was uncomfortably heavy, now more than ever she hoped for her winter coat to shed sooner than later as it only added to the burdensome weight she carried physically and emotionally.

A pause in her stride as the taps of rain upon rocks filled the silence of the mountain as she saw Izumi watching something... and nothing. Deep in thought and Reiko could only guess as to what it may be on the woman's mind. The event with Kuhn was heavy on all of them, some more than others and Izumi was surely one to feel it more than most as she had to choose her actions and allegiance.

Surely being here in the company of Quicksilver roaming didn't help either...

Splayed ears flattened apologetically as she approached the crane. Too many arguments had come over the past few days and she could only hope that Izumi wouldn't add to them, but to ignore her feelings in fear of discourse felt just as wrong. “Izumi...” Cautious she approached. Slow and steady, stopping before entering the crane's personal space without further invitation. “Thank you...”

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  Naturally, the pittering of rainfall made the ears of a canine sensitive. Every drop that hit the ground, no matter how soft, felt like ice cubes hitting the floor in comparison to what a person would feel. It drowned away any other noise that would cross Izumi as she sat there with her eyes closed and her heart thrumming unsteadily. It was easy to cry unnoticed -- easy to let the rainwater hide what hurt streamed from empty lilac depths. Though it wouldn't hide the redness in her eyes and the puffiness in her lids.
  The dove's dainty footsteps were left unnoticed, not until the sound of her faint voice and the warmth of her closeness actually reached Izumi, and she reacted with a simple head turn to glance in the white dove's direction -- allowing Reiko to approach as she wished. Izu saw her hesitation -- had a pretty good idea why it was present -- and decided not to comment on it.
  The duchess was alot of things right now; agitated, depressed, suffocated. Yet her body language gave into false calmitity.
  And she only hoped, for the sake of this conversation, for Reiko would fall for it.
  "Thank you", she said
  The crane swallowed uncomfortably at those words.
  Her next words were soft, somber and strangely calm in its response, and did not carry much of the intended chill she wished to carry. No matter what way she'd look at it, to point fingers would deem a useless feat; "I don't wish to be thanked for what happened that day, Reiko. Not after what I did to him...."

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She didn't know what she wanted to hear.

What she wanted or needed from Izumi as she approached.

Perhaps all the dove wanted was to express some gratitude and acknowledge that it was a tough time for Izumi too. That the decision to act was difficult...

But the reaction that did come, dug a deeper hole in the wounds the Empress felt.

There was nothing to say to that. Nothing that could repair or ease Izumi's pain - especially as Reiko herself had felt nothing but agony over what had occurred.

Not after what I did to him.... But what about what he and Valmúa had done to them? How they pushed the pack beyond their abilities to ignore them, their harassment, their threats. How was it fair that Kuhn cherry-picked from the pack and only befriended some, without putting any effort to respect the others? They were family after all... what affected one affected them all.

But she was tired. She couldn't control what Izumi felt, and their previous strain over the Druid was still relatively fresh.

So her approach stopped. A pause lingered as Reiko's gaze fell while Izumi turned. What she saw in her friend's gaze was indifference. Did she too care more for Kuhn than them? The rain sounded like static to her frantic brain, the wetness chilling to the bone as the air between the women felt cold.

Feeling her presence was unwanted, she stepped back. Not raising her eyes to meet the lilacs of the crane and turned to walk away. It was quite possible Izumi was lost to her just as Tiberius was.

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Early morning post before work, because 6 am muse just hits different, y'know

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  Izumi had caused a silence to brew between them as soon as she spoke, but what did she really expect from Reiko?
  It always frustrated Izumi how the woman would lock her own emotions away for another, all for the sake of trying to make others feel better -- as if her own frustrations didn't matter -- as if it would murder her to be selfish for once in her life. Didn't she feel angry with Izumi's freindship with Kuhn? Even after everything him and his red headed whore had done to forsake the pack? Didn't she want to yell at the crane? Claim her to be a traitor?
  Or was her wish for Reiko to become upset with her nothing but a result of her own internalized guilt?
  She didn't know anymore.
  She didn't know anything anymore.
  All Izumi knew was that this silence, between someone she considered family, would not continue as If they'd been strangers their entire lives. Even if things became uncomfortable -- she would not hide her heart away from the one person who cared enough to approach it. Even if she was one of the main causes of why it was shattered right now. The cranebird's body would turn to face the pale dove -- who in shame, turned her azure gaze away from the lavender that sought it.
  The horrid sight of her scars made Izumi feel saddened; with the desire to crumble to her knees and apologize to Reiko for coming in to help far too late -- but she also wishe that she didn't get involved at all.
  The powerful scent of Quicksilver's from Reiko's pelt made Izumi feel jealous; with the desire to fling her straight from these heights for shattering her chances at love -- but that was the same way she'd felt about Quicksilver.
  The deafening sound of silence within the rainfall made Izumi feel livid; with the desire to yell and kick and set the the heavens on fire in a situation that has maddened her beyond logic -- but she was in control of her emotions.
  By now, she had come to make peace with every complicated, confused twist of emotions that had arose whenever she'd thought of Kuhn and Reiko. Because it seemed like no matter what the two of them would put the cranebird through -- she couldn't see herself tearing away the place they'd had in her heart.
  They were like parasites, in a sick, humorous, and annoying way. Izumi was okay with that. Because she'd come to find out that's what it took to love another unconditionally.
  "It's frustrating, isn't it?" She began, with that same, eerily calm voice she'd began with.
  "I want to curse you out for everything that had happened in the Everfrost that day. Blame you for nearly murdering someone who means so much to me --" her eyes fell somberly to her feet at that moment, and an equally saddened smile was casted across her maw. "--yet how could I fault you for wanting to protect your pack? Your own daughter?"
  How could she?
  It pissed her off.
  Now she was standing up, pacing around slowly as she spoke. Teeth peaking from her dark lips in her own frustration.
  "And Kuhn -- a small part of me wished he would've bled out in the snow that day for being so damned hard headed. For constantly testing the boundaries he had on other people and putting himself in danger with his arrogance -- until those boundaries all came boiling over onto him."
  "-- yet how could I blame someone who still tries to understand the ways of my own people? Regardless of whether someone of us drive him crazy? Someone who will go as far as to damage his image for the sake of someone else? Even if that someone else is Valmua, of all people?"
  This time, she'd stop pacing, and her eyes turned to Reiko again, as if seeking some kind of answer from the Empress. Whether or not those eyes would look back was up to her, but she sure hoped they did.
  "二人は私を狂わせます。 だから私がまだあなたを愛しているという事実はすべてが不公平です。" — The two of you drive me fucking crazy. So the fact that I still love you both after everything is unfair.
  It was unfair.
  "--It would be easier if I hated you....but I just don't...."

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The silence broke and Reiko wasn't certain if it was a relief or not.

Izumi spoke and her words were fair - and yet at the same time, in the Empress' eyes, callous. Through the crane's speech, Reiko remained silent, her tail curling and finding its place between her legs defensively as pale ears flattened onto her crown.

It was beyond unfair.

How could she be hated for having to choose between inaction, or taking action for trying to protect what was precious to her? How could she be expected to tell the pack she had sworn to protect, as her sole duty as their leader, to ignore the threat that lurked freely beyond their borders and let them live in fear, and anger over someone who took so much pleasure in antagonizing them?

“I... have no interest in pursuing them.” She said after a moment of silence. Once Izumi's voice had faded and the static returned for a moment.

I just want them to leave us alone.

“Tsukiishi... our home —” The home they sought after so long, after such a long travel to try and find her children both Izumi and she. Somewhere so beautiful that had turned into a cage, a prison thanks to certain individuals. “We will not be returning to it. I just... want them to leave us alone.”

And they wouldn't. They never did. After instigating this negative encounter by hunting on their lands, scoffing in both Reiko and Tierius' faces when a peaceful conversation upon the matter was brought to the table. Along with all the other incidents that followed... how was this fair to put all the blame on her, when they couldn't leave the pack alone who had done nothing to garner such attention other than existing.

She just wanted to be left in peace.

But individuals like Vera, Kuhn and Valmúa refused them that.

It made the dove shudder. Legs nearly buckling as tears masked by the rain felt warm upon her cheeks. She was losing the one individual who had been with her since day one, who had walked with her through the whole new land and assisted in the creation of Shiroshika... all because of a feline and his companion who refused to let them live in peace.

Now they were refugees. On the run, hiding.

Silence remained and continued as there was nothing that could be said that hadn't been said already.

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  "I just want them to leave us alone"
  And it all came boiling down to just that.
  The gentle periwinkle, sharpened by sadness and hatred and confusion and oh so many things that Izumi could not even name by heart, began to soften in realization of something -- there was no proper answer to all of this. In Reiko's eyes, Izu searched so desperately for an understanding that might help her come to any conclusion possible that'll stop the turmoil between them, all of them; but what simple solution could've solved something so far gone already?
  One simply didn't force two souls to get along that were never meant to sync in harmony. If the relationship between Kuhn and Reiko had failed so many times already, it would've been gullible to believe there was ever another chance at it again.
  So there really wasn't an answer to all of this.... All of Shiroshika were simply meant to sit in the mountains and await for the inevitable to arrive;
  A war. No doubt about it.
  "Yeah.....I know." She responded somberly, softly. A melancholic smile and tired eyes settling upon her narrow features. She already knew Reiko had no intention of pursuing them -- even if she'd never told Izumi of her actual plans after this war, the cranebird already knew Rei well enough to know she wouldn't actively seek more bloodshed after this. Though they all knew that this couldn't have been the end. It was the reason they were in hiding in the first place...
  "I just wish that fate hadn't turned things the way they were."
  The sky became darker, and the gentle drizzle morphed into a more aggressive rainfall. Izumi moved from where she stood, slinking over slowly to find a spot beside the Empress to sit.
  The sky's weeping did well to hide Reiko's tears, but the glossed over look in her eyes were unmistakable. How pathetic, the two of them. Sitting in the rain and wallowing in self pity over things that were out of their control -- yet at least Izumi could say she didn't have to do it alone.
  Because she didn't.
  Reiko came and invaded her personal space, a space she initially preferred to spend in solitude.
  The crane was beyond thankful for it.
  She let the silence between them carry on as they sat beside each other, muzzle casted to the sky and letting rain slick her ivory locs back. It was starting to get cold, but the cold was comfortable.
  How odd....for as long as the crane could remember, any kind of cold or breeze made Izu buckle to her knees in discomfort. Yet it seemed like ever since she'd met Reiko, there were many first she had yet to experience.
  "Do you remember the day we first met? It was much sunnier than today, if I recall correctly..." she asked the Empress while still looking to the sky. Her last bit some dry attempt at adding humor to a situation that was far from humorous. "It was a confusing place in time, still trying to stumble to our feet to find our place in this world like newborns, but it was much simpler. Euphoric..."

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Why couldn't those two just leave them be?

To keep away from their borders as opposed to crossing boundaries and tempting fate. To push them to act so heinously in self-defence. What else could they do against such a foe like Kuhn? Someone who could so easily take two warriors down even with the odds against him? It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he sought to understand and befriend Tiberius and Izumi alone.

To even come so far as to side with the woman who had antagonized Izumi, his supposed friend in Shiroshika by defecating on their borders and mocking the crane.

Bitterness crept into the Empress' heart as the mention of "fate" was brought up. “Too often has fate been cruel.” And no longer would she let it take control of her life and that of those she loved. And as though the skies felt hr wrath bubbling, the clouds cried with her in a downpour. Hadn't she done enough? Hasn't she tried for so long to keep the peace? Why didn't Tiberius or Izumi help in keeping Kuhn away out of respect for them and the pack they called home?

The little Empress was simply too tired to keep doing it alone. And the one voice who sought to help had pushed her to the belief that war was the best course of action to keep her people safe. A decision she still wasn't certain if she regretted it or no. The wrong souls have passed on, and Kuhn and his companion still live. Though the ice queen's sins were in display for all to see - their target still lived while Shiroshika and Vanderfell paid the consequences through grief.

Wasn't that enough?

Could their antagonist finally just leave them be?

“I still feel as though I am stumbling.” Not quite certain where Izumi was going with her thoughts, Reiko interjected with her own. Nudging that she had never quite caught her footing since day one. Her son was still missing. Their home was taken from them. Their peace was stripped by a tiger and his companion. Trust had shattered between members. Her own daughter refused to talk to her. Now they were searching for a new home while licking their wounds and grieving. One thing after another and perhaps stumbling was a too soft way to put it.

Falling.

It felt more like a free-fall and just hoping that the landing would be soft enough to move on.

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  Izumi couldn’t tell right from wrong anymore, and being pulled from either side in an attempt to tether friendships with individuals who had made enemies out of each other was becoming too much. She knew believing it would all work out in the end was gullible, but she was too stubborn to believe in it. Too insistent on trying again and again and again to make something work between her and Reiko – her and Kuhn. Yet every decision would end up smothering into the mud. Every decision ended up hurting either one of them until they'd been left bloodied and bruised in the end.
  In an attempt to be there for Reiko and the pack, she ended up straying away from Kuhn and abandoning their friendship. In an attempt to make Khun feel welcomed despite their biological differences, Izumi failed to support Reiko in a time where she'd been constantly harassed by Kuhn's foolishness and the cancerous red lump that attached to his hip and made things worse. Her actions had done nothing but strain her friendships – but could the crane truly put all this blame upon herself?
  No, she couldn't.
  – and refused to.
  It wasn't fair to put the burden of all this blame on herself, nor Reiko, nor Kuhn. If anyone was to blame for all of this, it was the red idiot of the north who sought to cause trouble for all three of them and had the nerve to continue to stick to Kuhn's side and manipulate him as if she wasn't the reason he nearly died that day. Izumi could see why Valmua's own brothers had booted her out of house and home – her own selfish desire to wreak havoc for fun was destroying people, regardless if they were friend or enemy.
  – and now….their home was destroyed.
  The place of new beginnings, where Izumi pictured her and Reiko's children running about with both of their nameless husbands at each other's sides – sharing old stories from the past and laughing together in a kingdom she grew to love. A place that was now torn apart by distrust, blood and despair….
  Reiko was right – fate was a cruel mother to her children. An uncontrollable force that fucked around with what could've been happiness. There was a time that even Izumi thought she could test the forces of fate to change her own path as well, but instead life had taken yet another turn for the worst. To the point where she felt that she couldn't even put trust in the people she loved right now….but maybe the only person she could trust after all…
  "I do too…"
  ….was herself.
  "--and perhaps….I'd be better off to continue stumbling on my own, from now on…."

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And so it seemed, after everything - she was losing Izumi as well. Although in comparison to Tiberius spitting foul language and insults, Izumi was far softer in her departing words - and yet Reiko couldn't quite figure out which stung more. Even without Kuhn lurking somewhere in the shadows beyond their borders, he still had his claws somehow within their members tearing her relations apart from the inside. Surely that was his plan the whole time, to favour some over others and create discourse within. Some see him as some kind of friend, while he threatened others by lighting a fire with his gas.

“I wish we could work together still...” It wasn't safe out there. Not with Kuhn, not with Valmúa and not with Vera still out there at large. The empress' face and eyes stung even as the rain kept running down her face, hiding the tears that spilled out. The brightness of her expressions and appearance was seemingly stripped in this instance as she felt only grey. Grey and dull.

But no one was bound to Shiroshika. They had no shackles or chains to keep each member bound to their borders and leaders, and so she wouldn't try to talk Izumi out of her decision any further than a simple wish. “I bid you luck, and safety on your journey... you are always welcome back even for a visit.” A part of Reiko was certain that Izumi would never return, not even for a hello - she would leave that proverbial door open to one she had once seen as a friend.

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Last from me! ;v;

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  In the end -- Izumi was in control of nothing she thought she could fix; this departure was inevitable. She almost felt like a coward to leave like this -- in a time where Shiroshika was so vulnerable and the Empress needed as much help as she could get. Ecspecially from someone Reiko trusted as duchess....but Izumi didn't feel like she'd deserved the role anymore. Inadequate. Confused. Traitorous -- so many words that the crane could use to describe how she felt about carrying such a title after today...
  '...you are always welcome back even for a visit.'
  'No doubt there would...' the girl had thought in silence; the crane couldn't avoid Reiko forever, even in her current state would she know fate to make their paths diverge again someday. Izumi believed that the bond her and Reiko shared spanned beyond that of sharing the same home -- the crane would've thought of her freind whether she found herself in a different pack, or if Izu spent the rest of her footsteps upon this earth as a lone wolf.
  Still, the eclipsed fae kept her silence. For only time would tell if her own shame would ever allow her to face what she's walked away from....
The cranebird supposed that this was to be an expected reaction out of the snow dove -- to not look upon Izu's decisions in judgment and bid the crane farwell after everything. She had no right to be angry, but Izu couldn't help but let anger simmer in her chest that she didn't attempt to stop her from turning away from this pack. From their freindship.
  The only thing Izumi could do was bid the woman a simple farwell, rubbing the side of her muzzle and head against the fluff of Rei's dampened cheek furs. Before turning away and walking off. Into the rain. Towards nowhere. Should the crane stay any longer -- should the embrace of her freind be any lengthier -- she feared that she would turn back.
  and there was no more turning back. A decision was made...

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